So, I was just attempting my new daily 10 minute mindfulness exercise and today, more than usual, my mind was plain blank refusing to shut off.
What came up for me was that in my most-recent attempt to overcome this damned anxiety, to get out of this non-existence I seem to be living in, to make something of myself, to do something actually worthwhile I have been trying a million different things but in the process doing not much at all.
I remember playing a computer game years ago, called something along the lines of ‘Goldmine’, some of you may remember it, it was quite popular. At the bottom of the screen would be a grabbing device that would extend out to the top of the screen and the aim of the game was to try and direct the device in order to collect gold nuggets. My current approach to life, to finding the magic cure, feels exactly like this. As I look out from this tired mind I can see numerous things I can try and I am just reaching out to them all in the hope that one of them will be the magic cure. But there is no structure. No plan. No clear vision of what that end goal looks like. It feels like I am running away rather than moving forward towards something. All I know is that how I am feeling right now is not how I want to be feeling. And I am tired.
These are just some of the things that are hanging in the pipeline at the moment:
I have signed up to some community creative classes, the first is on Thursday. They are free for individuals suffering with mental health and my thinking is that this will be good exposure therapy. I have signed up to one of these classes before but I was so anxious I didn’t make it through the door.
I had some blood tests at the doctor’s surgery to investigate whether my extreme lethargy is a symptom of something else going on other than anxiety – the results were clear but I am yet to contact the doctor to follow this up.
Last night I took 2 diazepam, something I have put off for about 14 years, a path I really did not want to go down but decided to explore as a possible tool during exposure therapy so that I make sure I always do make it through that damn door. Funnily enough I felt a bit useless on them, I think they would be helpful, if for example, I was going to the dentist and needed to relax but not have to use my brain but I was finding it impossible to even memorise a 5 digit number so the idea of using them when I actually need to function doesn’t seem like something worth a possible future drug-dependency.
I also got prescribed Sertraline a few weeks ago, a medication used for anxiety, again something I have always resisted but perhaps an avenue I should explore, they are still waiting in the pharmacy for me to collect. I had opened myself up to the idea that they may be something, despite my resistance, that could help in the short-term. But then I went back on the internet and read lots of negative experiences and now I’m scared of taking them all over again.
I contacted a local youth club to offer some hours helping out. At the point of them saying “Yeah sure, complete this application, come in for an interview and we’ll go from there” I froze. The self-doubt kicked in – “Is this something I really want to do anyway?”, “What if I get really anxious?”, “What if i hate it?”, “I’ve been getting really faint recently, there could be something wrong, I shouldn’t go”, “I have enough on my plate anyway” etc etc. A month later they contacted me to see if I was still interested, it took me 2 days to reply that I was, I was supposed to send in my application 2 days ago, I have made up some excuse about my printer running out of ink and I’ll get back to them as soon as possible…. Urgh. Already unreliable and anxious.
I have also signed up for a mindfulness course. The taster session is being held about 40 minutes away in 3 weeks and then the full course will take place in the new year. Going will be a challenge and I am scared.
I have also been told about a local lady who does psychic readings, I plan to have a session with her in the hope she can offer some insight, direction, guidance. I haven’t got the answers but perhaps her and the spirits have.
I am reading about the work of a lady called Gretchen Rubin, she has come up with 4 personality tendencies, turns out I am a rebel and that means (I think) that I only tend to do things as and when I feel like it – This explains a lot. So now I need to continue reading her work to find out the best ways for Rebels to move forward in life.
There are numerous books I want to read to help me move forward, The Big Leap, The Path, Overcoming the Fear of Fear, Mind Over Mood to name just a few.
I started (but haven’t continued) working on some cognitive behavioural worksheets.
I am trying to remember to take daily vitamins to boost mental health.
I contacted a local Life Coach this morning who had posted an advert on Facebook about helping people with anxiety. Maybe she has the answers.
The problem is, and I know this is a problem, is I don’t have any direction, I don’t know what it is that I want to do, I never have done. When I was a child I wanted to be a fashion designer, then a TV presenter, then a counsellor, my dreams would change weekly if not daily or quicker. And to be completely honest, not much has changed as an adult. I often think about life and all it’s possibilities as a catalogue, I tell myself to look through that catalogue and pick out everything I want but I just don’t know. I haven’t found ‘my thing’. I am a Jack of All Trades, Master of Nothing. That makes it difficult to move forward because I don’t have anything motivating me. I have no end goal. No light at the end of my tunnel. Nothing to work towards. I just know that in the past opportunities have arisen and passed by because I have been too anxious to take them.
The problem with having an anxiety disorder is that going out and finding ‘my thing’ becomes hard. Ideally, I would love to go and try out lots of different things until I find something that makes me happy but living in a rural location those opportunities are limited anyway, and even if they weren’t, I don’t feel able to to do so because I become so riddled with anxiety. Joy is taken away and everything becomes a chore.
Oh what to do… Any ideas, thoughts and advice would kindly be welcome. As you can tell I currently feel like I haven’t got the answers and am searching for them in anything and anyone other than myself.