Like most people, I’ve known addicts all my life. I’ve seen how drugs and alcohol have both ruined and ended the lives of people I love.
Some decided to take their own lives, others accidently OD-ed never to wake up in the morning, more than one now lives with irreversable brain damage. All cases equally as tragic.
It all starts the same. A drink here and there in social situations. Then in all social situations. The habit forms. Then life get difficult – and there’s the trusty beverage. Before you know it, you’re not dealing with your pain. Your relationship with yourself and those around around you and the world falls further from your grasp. You’re not even sure what you’re sad/angry about anymore. The years go by (quickly) and the layers of unresolved pain stack up.
I see the functioning alcohols who hold down good jobs but drink most, if not every evening. I see the people who fool themselves into thinking they haven’t got a problem because they were able to go sober in January but count down the days until the 31st – oh how proud they are of themselves, they’ve got 48 weeks of guilt-free drinking ahead of them. I see the bored individuals without a sense of life purpose drinking for ‘entertainment’, I see the middle/upper-class prosecco drinkers drinking – “oh how lovely it is to catch up, let’s celebrate with a cocktail”. The jolly ‘its 5 o’clock somewhere’ drinkers. The ‘oh god, what a fucking day, get me a drink’ drinkers.
It’s all the same. It’s a drug. It numbs. It suppresses. It aids us in ways we’re not even aware of. I’ve also seen how going sober has changed the people I love, in incredible, beautiful and surprising ways. Relationships have been healed. Health has been restored. Creativity, passion and new ways of being and living have emerged. I want some of that!
I don’t even class myself as having a problem. I’m not a big drinker. I don’t go out to drink. I don’t fall over in the street (ick!), end my night being sick or wake up with awful hangovers. For me, it’s all about how drinking makes me feel, tuning into what my body is telling me, listening, and doing right by myself. If I’m visiting friends or family and they offer md a drink I say yes as a treat (if im not driving), if I’m home and have a glass of wine, I’ll fancy another. Then I eat crap food (lots of it) and then I have a crap night sleep – I always wake up at 2am and I’ll lay awake for hours. I don’t wake up with horrendous hangovers or with the deep dread of what happened the night before but I can feel groggy, and tired from the lack of sleep, so I reach for the carbs and the sugar to pick me up. Then I have a ‘chill day’ because quite frankly I can’t be arsed to do much of anything. It all has such a huge knock-on effect.
I had a weekend away last week and we headed to the hotel bar. It would have been SO easy to have had a few drinks. But I knew it would’ve meant I would’ve lost my clarity of mind, my good night sleep that I had so been looking forward to would’ve been disturbed. The spa treatments I’d booked in the following morning would’ve been less pleasurable and possibly ruined by a bad belly. Also, the cycle I’d planned, and was looking forward to, definitely wouldn’t have happened. Despite ‘knowing’ all this, I was still tempted – ohh, how these habits run deep – but I got to the bar and decided to look at the alcohol free options, I ended up trying my first ever 0% G&T and I have to say, it was delicious, taste wise I couldn’t even tell the difference. And actually, I felt like I was having a treat, I wasn’t depriving myself of anything but I had the extra bonus of staying sober. It felt good to make a healthy choice.
It’s important to recognise that despite not being a raging alcoholic, these habits of reaching for a drink and so ingrained. The social situations, the celebrations, the alcoholic gifts from others, they are all times when it could be so easy to say yes to a drink. Especially because I don’t see myself as someone who ‘needs’ to say no.
Exposing myself to these situations over time and exploring the ‘why’ behind the temptation to say yes is something I’m looking forward to – to get to know myself better – what will these situations bring up for me?
• Fear of social rejection? – I’ve already experienced the public shaming “urgh, this one is doing dry January” – “just have a drink, it’s a birthday party”
• Wanting to fit in? – “Go on, have a drink, you’re the only one not drinking” It’s very interesting to think about which people in my life I interact with sober compared to those who always get a drink out in every social situation – how will those drinking relationships change?
• My internal dialogue – “It’s only one drink”, “I haven’t got a problem – “It’s a summers day, a pint on the beach is a must”.
My last drink was 31st December 2023. Let’s see what happens!
The resources I’m following are:
• Book – This Naked Mind by Annie Grace
• Instagram – @clean.andsober @suzi_shaw
EVERY CLOUD AND ALL THAT 